First off, can I call you Dennis? I know you won the two national titles once upon a time but after spending hard-earned cash watching the teams you’ve coaches this past five years, I feel like we ought to be on a first-name basis.
Second, I’m not here to lambaste you for the utterly inexcusable loss to Arizona yesterday. Or for the Arizona-under-Stoops-like fade our Sun Devils are enacting, bringing what felt like such a promising season to an incredibly depressing end. I do thank you for at least getting ASU bowl eligible for the first time since your first season – no mean feat when only half the teams in the country get to go to bowl games – though the last few weeks have left me feeling unless the game’s being played in my own back yard (not University of Phoenix stadium – literally my back yard) I’m not sure I’ll be going.
No … this is about real estate. And after watching the game and especially after listening to your post-game interview on the Sun Devil Sports Network, there’s a certain inevitability about this fact.
You’re going to need a real estate agent to help you sell your home when you are fired in the coming weeks.
Unlike other alumni who may delight in this, I want you to know that I am here to help.
Since the bulk of my marketing is online, I’ll be reaching out to buyers in all the various places you’ve coached in your career – Idaho, the Paloose, Miami, Corvallis, even San Francisco when you attempted to make the leap to the NFL. Sure, there will be those looking at the virtual tour and photos with little more than morbid curiosity, but the real buyer is out there, no question.
I’ll put a real for sale sign in your yard, unlike the Home Depot purchased signs that with any imagination on the part of the ASU fan base already are dotting your front yard like weeds after a spring storm. It will have an 800 number where potential buyers can call in for additional information. Now that I think of it, I wish there was a sign like this for football so I can find out how your entire defense forgot how to tackle over the past month. Five broken tackles on a 30-yard run? But I digress …
I will write a lyrical description of your home and, thanks to the confidentiality portion of the agency agreement, I won’t use any words along the lines of “washed up, fired, should have retired three years ago, clueless.” I think “seller’s change in circumstance leads to buyer’s delight” will suffice.
After we get your home sold there is the question of where you will land. If you decide to stay in town, might I suggest any of the many active adult communities here in the Phoenix area? One of the benefits of being in such an area is the persistent sense of nostalgia; your neighbors will talk about your days at the U and politely not mention that after winning with Dirk Koetter’s players, proving he had no clue how to coach, the last four years have been a waste.
Hell, even Vontaze Burfict has stopped being Vontaze this season. But we can blame the Pac-12 officials for that one. As the McDonald boys at USC and UCLA – you wear the number 7 on defense and the flags automatically fly.
It’s probably going to be a little rough getting a pink slip a month or so before Christmas. A lot of people have gone through that the past few years, though very few have been making seven figures when it occurred. Hopefully you’ve stashed some away and not spent everything on nifty glasses and visors.
While many, many people are calling for your head this morning, precious few are offering any productive assistance at the same time.
I am. So call me …
Actually, wait until Tuesday. If you call today, I just might say something snarky about losing not just to Arizona but to a two-win Arizona team.