The Bachelorette and Phoenix Real Estate Circa 2009

gooberparadeYes, dear readers, we’ve reached that time of year once again. Wasn’t in only January that we were “treated” to watching Sean the human Ken doll walk around with a shirt on as he started his journey for fame love?

Be that as it may, we’re already back to see how dear, adorable not topless Desiree fairs as she’s presented with the task of finding a husband out of a group of 25 … um … well … I don’t know how to describe them, actually, except that at least a half-dozen are clones and another 10 are, for lack of a better term, total tools.

Every past season, even when we had to endure Ashley, there were at least a handful of men who you could look at and say, yeah, he might make a good husband.

In this crew? Let’s say it’s a lot like looking at homes for sale in Phoenix back in 2009 when oft-shredded bank homes dominated the market. Dig deep enough and there might be a home with fresh paint and carpet and essentially ready for domestication. The majority, however, were nearly irretrievably broken either cosmetically, structurally, or both and only the most devoted homeowner could possibly make something out of the mess.

I could go back and actually review the men but, really, why … let’s just hit a couple of highlights.

Stupid “hashtag” guy – This one’s in social media marketing which means, apparently, that he only is capable of speaking in Twitter hashtags. Here’s a hint, fella. Other than Wendy Williams, NO ONE speaks in hashtags. NO ONE. If I did, however, I think I’d go for #unplugandgetalife. At the same time, he reminds me of a lot of former members of the one-time RE.net who now are social media “experts”.

Creepy stalker dude – Such a clever idea, so poorly executed … kinda like the fix and flip across the street from my parents’ old house where multiple upgrades were squeezed in but the exterior painted sprayed right over a wasp’s nest and there were gaps in the grout inside. Everything was upgraded but most were just off a bit. Here’s a hint. Handing the Bachelorette an envelope mocking the fantasy suite works great as long as you don’t actually reference the fantasy suite. And then are surprised when the lady happens to be offended by such an offer. (What was the thought, handing her a box of condoms would have been too forward?) The idea had potential but … eeesh.

No short guy – Here’s the ultimate as-is purchase. Looks like there have been some upgrades – paint, carpet, six-pack abs – but there also is likely to be more than a little crazy mixed in. Like light switches in the living room that power the back porch light. Truth is, you have no idea what you’re really getting in either case. Best rely heavily on a home inspector. Or a psychiatric professional.

The magician – Women don’t dig magic unless you’re Chris Angel or Burt Wonderstone. (No, my poor viewing choices aren’t limited to television.) It’s one of those things you bring up down the line. You don’t lead with it … just like you don’t lead with a photograph of a dirt backyard with electrical towers looming. Time and place, kids, time and place.

The guy pimping his kid who turns out to be a bad guy after all – any listing who obliquely implies (or at least doesn’t try to erase the notion) that the buyer was getting a better deal using the lister rather than an independent buyers’ agent. The listing agent, put simply, isn’t there for the right reasons when you’re a buyer.

Too intense Mikey and the way-too-into loyalty guy – Let’s just scale this back a notch because you’re speeches are backfiring. Consider yourselves in the same boat as houses with sign riders saying “honey, stop the car” or “I’m gorgeous inside”. Let’s not be so obvious, so desperate for attention. We’ll all be happier. Thanks.

Scottsdale guy – One of the clones, only gets a mention because he’s from Scottsdale (since there are new casting rules requiring at least one guy from Scottsdale every single season.) If he were from Avondale and not Scottsdale, would never get a second look but producers (and buyers) are buying the name.

The soccer player – Since my wife’s two episodes from leaving me for him based on a) he plays soccer, b) he has a soccer player’s physique and c) he has an accent, I can’t imagine why the hell he’s even on the market. Kinda like the $550,000 foreclosure listings that would appear every now and again. How is it possible?

I’d go on but, frankly, I just ate lunch and my snark has some limits. Poor Desiree … what’s a girl gotta do to find a decent guy.

About Jonathan

Jonathan Dalton is a 30-plus-year resident of the Valley and has been helping folks buy and sell homes since 2004. He can be reached at 602-502-9693 or info at allphoenixrealestate.com.

  • KD

    So, what you are saying … you already know Juan Pablo; no, no, it’s “JUAN PABLO” and I are secretly meeting on the pitch.